DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE:

In every avenue of life- humans must deal with negative individuals. Sometimes these individuals come in the form of co-workers, clients, customers, friends, boyfriends/girlfriends, random people you meet on the street and even family members. The concern is not how to avoid them, but rather how to deal with them in a positive manner. Let’s face it, some people can be very trying and in a perfect world we could ignore them- walk away- or say our peace* unfortunately however, we do not live in a perfect world! Healthfield (2014) states that “how difficult a person is for you to deal with depends on your self-esteem, your self-confidence and your professional courage”. Think a moment about what this means to you personally or professionally. For me this means that I must learn to understand what my limits are in a conversation and I must allow myself to walk away [now and again]. I must learn to not take things that others say or do personally, but rather learn from the interaction so I know how to react the next time. Ask yourself how this might look like for you, how you might interpret this information and overcome the obstacles of dealing with difficult people in a positive manner. 

Now I don’t usually [copy and paste] as I would rather that you spend a little time on self awareness and (research) the links that I provide- however I would like to share a list of ideas of how to deal with other’s [dont FRET I will still provide other links for you to check out].

According to SU (2014) some ways to manage dealing with others include, 

1. Forgive

What would the Dali Lama do if he was in the situation? He would most likely forgive. Remember that at our very core, we are good, but our judgment becomes clouded and we may say hurtful things. Ask yourself, “What is it about this situation or person that I can seek to understand and forgive?

2. Wait it Out

Sometimes I feel compelled to instantly send an email defending myself. I’ve learned that emotionally charged emails never get us the result we want; they only add oil to the fire. What is helpful is inserting time to allow ourselves to cool off. You can write the emotionally charged email to the person, just don’t send it off. Wait until you’ve cooled off before responding, if you choose to respond at all.

3. “Does it really matter if I am right?

Sometimes we respond with the intention of defending the side we took a position on. If you find yourself arguing for the sake of being right, ask “Does it matter if I am right?” If yes, then ask “Why do I need to be right? What will I gain?

4. Don’t Respond

Many times when a person initiates a negative message or difficult attitude, they are trying to trigger a response from you. When we react, we are actually giving them what they want. Let’s stop the cycle of negative snowballing and sell them short on what they’re looking for; don’t bother responding.

5. Stop Talking About It

When you have a problem or a conflict in your life, don’t you find that people just love talking about it? We end up repeating the story to anyone who’ll listen. We express how much we hate the situation or person. What we fail to recognize in these moments is that the more we talk about something, the more of that thing we’ll notice.

Example, the more we talk about how much we dislike a person, the more hate we will feel towards them and the more we’ll notice things about them that we dislike. Stop giving it energy, stop thinking about it, and stop talking about it. Do your best to not repeat the story to others.

6. Be In Their Shoes

As cliché as this may sound, we tend to forget that we become blind-sided in the situation. Try putting yourself in their position and consider how you may have hurt their feelings. This understanding will give you a new perspective on becoming rational again, and may help you develop compassion for the other person.

7. Look for the Lessons

No situation is ever lost if we can take away from it some lessons that will help us grow and become a better person. Regardless of how negative a scenario may appear, there is always a hidden gift in the form of a lesson. Find the lesson(s).

8. Choose to Eliminate Negative People In Your Life

Negative people can be a source of energy drain. And deeply unhappy people will want to bring you down emotionally, so that they are not down there alone. Be aware of this. Unless you have a lot of time on your hands and do not mind the energy drain, I recommend that you cut them off from your life.

Cut them out by avoiding interactions with them as much as possible. Remember that you have the choice to commit to being surrounded by people who have the qualities you admire: optimistic, positive, peaceful and encouraging people. As Kathy Sierra said, “Be around the change you want to see in the world.”

9. Become the Observer

When we practice becoming the observer of our feelings, our thoughts and the situation, we separate ourselves away from the emotions. Instead of identifying with the emotions and letting them consume us, we observe them with clarity and detachment. When you find yourself identifying with emotions and thoughts, bring your focus on your breathe.

 

10. Go for a Run

… or a swim, or some other workout. Physical exercise can help to release the negative and excess energy in us. Use exercise as a tool to clear your mind and release built up negative energy.

11. Worst Case Scenario

Ask yourself two questions,

  1. If I do not respond, what is the worst thing that can result from it?
  2. If I do respond, what is the worst thing that can result from it?

Answering these questions often adds perspectives to the situation, and you’ll realize that nothing good will come out of reacting. Your energy will be wasted, and your inner space disturbed.

12. Avoid Heated Discussions

When we’re emotionally charged, we are so much in our heads that we argue out of an impulse to be right, to defend ourselves, for the sake of our egos. Rationality and resolution can rarely arise out of these discussions. If a discussion is necessary, wait until everyone has cooled off before diving into one.

13. Most Important

List out things in your life most important to you. Then ask yourself, “Will a reaction to this person contribute to the things that matter most to me?

14. Pour Honey

This doesn’t always work, but sometimes catches people off guard when they’re trying to “Pour Poison” on you. Compliment the other person for something they did well, tell them you’ve learned something new through interacting with them, and maybe offer to become friends. Remember to be genuine. You might have to dig deep to find something that you appreciate about this person.

15. Express It

Take out some scrap paper and dump all the random and negative thoughts out of you by writing freely without editing. Continue to do so until you have nothing else to say. Now, roll the paper up into a ball, close your eyes and visualize that all the negative energy is now inside that paper ball. Toss the paper ball in the trash. Let it go!

In essence we must first forgive others in order to find peace within ourselves, we must calm down before dealing with a difficult person [hey there is nothing wrong with taking a time out- even as an adult], You don’t always have to have the last word, you also are NOT and DON”T have to be RIGHT all the time- what does it hurt to let it go and not continue to feed into the negativity…? In addition, consider what they other person may be experiencing that day learn compassion for others, Lastly, learn to observe others so you can learn what negative energy and body cues are. Most often you can tell a lot about a person by the way they carry themselves, take the time to BE NICE. Now we all can agree that not every person can be placated but if you learn to deal effectively with others in a positive manner, you can feel good about your own behaviors and feelings!

 As promised here are some other links for you to check out to help your figure out how to deal with difficult people, 

http://humanresources.about.com/od/workrelationships/a/difficultpeople.htm

http://www.forbes.com/sites/kevinkruse/2013/06/25/dealing-with-difficult-people/

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/communication-success/201309/ten-keys-handling-unreasonable-difficult-people

http://www.oprah.com/spirit/How-to-Deal-with-Difficult-People-Deepak-Chopra

http://www.webmd.com/women/features/difficult-people

http://thinksimplenow.com/happiness/dealing-with-difficult-people/

 

ENJOY!! 🙂 

 

References:

Heathfeild, S. M. (2014). How to deal with difficult people at work: Why you must deal with difficult people. Retrieved from the About.com Human Resources website: http://humanresources.about.com/od/workrelationships/a/difficultpeople.htm

Su, Y. (2014). Dealing with difficult people. Retrieved from the Think Simple Now a Moment of Clarity website:http://thinksimplenow.com/happiness/dealing-with-difficult-people/ 

 

TAKING CHARGE OF YOUR LIFE: OVERCOMING OBSTACLES

A friend and I were speaking about life lessons and all the obstacles that one endures throughout life. She heard about this blog and asked me to share her experience. We will call this friend S. S grew up in a household with a step-father who was an alcoholic and and a drug user, her mother was an alcoholic and she and her sister and mother were frequently was assaulted by the step father. S’s real father moved around from woman to woman and has been married several times and this left little time for him to spend with her. This young woman has been a victim of molestation from a family member as well as the abuse from her parents. She relayed that “life is tough, but you cannot use your life and the obstacles as an excuse to not better your life”. 

When speaking about her trials she sits and thinks about how her life is so different now, than what it was as a child. She tells me that she has broken the cycle of physical and substance abuse in her own life by abstaining from substances and also by “saying goodbye” to the people in her life that do not allow her to grow mentally. S has almost a Bachelors degree in Criminal Justice and admits to having mental health issues as an adult. But she also relays that even when she feels better she knows that she needs her medication to function. Even though she needs medication she functions as a contributing adult by working outside the home, taking care of her home and also by taking care of her children. 

_____****

I would like to take the time to say thank you to S for sharing her personal story with me. I would also like to thank her for filling me in on her ways of overcoming obstacles in her own life. This leads me to be thankful for all of the obstacles that I have faced and all that I have endured that has led me here to where I am both personally and professionally. It is with obstacles that we learn, that we grow and from which we can overcome. Take the time to overcome your obstacles so you can find inner peace in your life. Break the cycles of physical abuse, substance abuse and mental abuse- be strong– it all starts within you!! 

Change obstacles-2

I would like to share some links that will help you begin to overcome the obstacles in your life, please check them out !!

 http://www.inc.com/kevin-daum/4-tips-for-overcoming-obstacles.html

http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Take-Charge-of-Your-Life-Ask-Deepak

http://www.gwinnettnetwork.com/Article5stepsthatwillallowyou.htm

http://www.nicholls.edu/counseling/newsletters/taking-charge-of-your-life/

 

Does your child have ADD or ADHD?

Parents commonly struggle with young children and adolescents with behaviors and impulsive behaviors. Does your child struggle with homework, fidgeting or being impulsive- do they miss pertinent steps to chores or frequently act spaced out? It could be that your child may have ADD or ADHD. What are the differences between ADD and ADHD? Here are some things to consider when thinking about your child’s symptoms! According to the A.D.A.M Medical Encyclopedia (2013) here are some differences,
Symptoms of ADHD fall into three groups:

Not being able to focus (inattentiveness)
Being extremely active (hyperactivity)
Not being able to control behavior (impulsivity)

Some people with ADHD have mainly inattentive symptoms. Some have mainly hyperactive and impulsive symptoms. Others have a combination of different symptom types. Those with mostly inattentive symptoms are sometimes said to have attention deficit disorder (ADD). They tend to be less disruptive and are more likely not to be diagnosed with ADHD.

Inattentive Symptoms

Fails to give close attention to details or makes careless mistakes in schoolwork
Has difficulty keeping attention during tasks or play
Does not seem to listen when spoken to directly
Does not follow through on instructions and fails to finish schoolwork or chores and tasks
Has problems organizing tasks and activities
Avoids or dislikes tasks that require sustained mental effort (such as schoolwork)
Often loses toys, assignments, pencils, books, or tools needed for tasks or activities
Is easily distracted
Is often forgetful in daily activities

Hyperactivity Symptoms

Fidgets with hands or feet or squirms in seat
Leaves seat when remaining seated is expected
Runs about or climbs in inappropriate situations
Has problems playing or working quietly
Is often “on the go,” acts as if “driven by a motor”
Talks excessively

Impulsivity Symptoms

Blurts out answers before questions have been completed
Has difficulty awaiting turn
Interrupts or intrudes on others (butts into conversations)

Did you know that some foods, dyes and sugars contribute to negative behaviors of your child? For years medical experts have warned about the effects of food, try this link to find out more.

http://www.medhelp.org/add-adhd/slideshows/9-Worst-Foods-for-ADD—Plus-1-That-Can-Help/20

Here are some helpful links to help with goal setting because one major way to combat ADD and ADHD is schedules, repetition goal setting and structure. Check them out !!

http://www.addrc.org/setting-target-goals-for-adhd/

http://www.adhdandyou.com/hcp/goals-for-adhd.aspx

Everything is attainable, everything is workable- Keep a positive mindset and keep an open mind and be patient when dealing with your family member who has ADD and ADHD. Sometimes you have to start from basics. Start a chore chart and reward them with tokens for miscellaneous things that will motivate them to change behaviors. Keep in mind that when you give too many instructions your child will forget half of them. For instance when telling your child to clean their room, what does that entail? For adults we can connect the various steps, but kids with ADHD do not. Consider telling the child – we are cleaning the room today. First I want you to start by picking up the books and putting them on the shelf.. when you are done with that come back to me and we will take the next steps. The more that you do these things, the more repetitive it will become for them. Once things become repetitive anxiety between parent and child will lesson and make things easier in the home. 🙂

Reference

A.D.A.M, (2013). Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. Retrieved from the Pub Med Health website: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0002518/

Creating Positive Experiences from Negative Situations

Once in awhile, we find ourselves at a crossroad between negative happening(s) and being positive about that negative. How do we challenge ourselves to become the leader of the perception that the glass is ALWAYS half full, and not half empty as most would suggest. I’ve created a page on Facebook called Creating Positive Experiences from Negative Situations. This page will discuss daily struggles and questions about life that we may need help answering. Topics can include diagnoses, behaviors, or even general struggles. Feel free to message an admin as it is a closed group 🙂

CreatingPositives@groups.facebook.com or http://www.facebook.com/groups/CreatingPositives/